Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
