2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
