Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
