Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
