I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
