god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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