Are we in a gay sports bar?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
