Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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