Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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