This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
