mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
