my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm too high and old for this...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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