Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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