Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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