On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
