I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
