: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
