Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
