matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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