Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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