I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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