I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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