Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
