Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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