Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
