Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
