The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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