My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
