you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
