Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
