I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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