I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
