I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
