If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
