he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
