Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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