I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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