Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
