Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
