I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
