the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
