no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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