Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
