I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
