Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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