1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
