i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
