Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
