It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
