May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
